Are the Muppets really that hard up for publicity and air time? This is how I felt when they appeared on The Bachelorette this week…Sure I love them…but I’m almost pretending like it was a bad dream.
This is a very special season on The Bachelorette…aka “Just Add Dad”. Beautiful Emily Maynard and her little girl Ricki are looking to find them a man with the help of the nice executives at ABC…
Sadly, Emily doesn’t seem to be taking advantage of the travel perks that ABC offers to the participants on the show…so she has the guys move into a mansion in glamourous North Carolina. How quaint. As the just add dad competition to win her and little Ricki’s heart, the gentlemen are filled with emotion and excitement to recieve dates from human Barbie Emily. (I say human Barbie with all the love in my heart for Emily…she is just perfect looking and always has the most amazing looking hair).Human Barbie appears on camera with her hair, sans makeup-still looks beautiful, and like any other mortal woman-like a Barbie with NO makeup on. (God I love and hate her) wearing a light blue and white off the shoulder sweatshirt, makeup free and meets her Mom, and SAHM//MILF friends and they all chat at a picnic table. Meanwhile at the sausage fest back at the mansion-which is coined as the “Frat House from Hell on Steroids” by the upstanding gentlemen who live there. Chris Harrison tells the bro’s that there will be roses available at EVERY date…oh snap! It’s all or nothing and not everyone gets a date with Emily this week. Everyone loses their shit!
“This just got real!!!” exclaims one of the hungover musclehead contestants. Ryan, sports trainer, recieves the first date card-it reads “Be my king in the queen city.” But he says he’s not surprised, he compares dating Emily like being prepared for a baseball game. He makes the sentimental statement, “I don’t know, but what I do know is that my pastor always told me ‘Treat a woman like a queen, and then she’ll treat you like a king.” Well, no shit Sherlock. That’s real deep.
Emily picks Ryan up in a big truck….He thinks she is beautiful, and he’s also very excited because he thinks that they may be going on a hot air balloon ride or maybe even jumping out of an airplane AWESOME! But NO…that is not what their date is about at all. Instead he gets to help Emily unload her car filled with groceries and they make their way to her kitchen so they can bake cookies and she dangles Ricki in front of him like a carrot…saying that it’s not the right time for her to be brought into the picture…props to that Emily! Gotta be careful when playing “Just Add Dad”! Ryan goes to change into his nighttime date clothes-reveals a nice six pack-and Emily picks him up in an Astin Martin and they go to her favorite restaurant that’s been rented out for the two of them. They have a deep conversation (laden with alcohol) he barrages Emily with compliments-yet the whole time you can tell that he’s just so disappointed that they didn’t get to go skydiving on their date…bummers. Then Emily makes a statement about wanting a man to “be the boss” in the relationship, which makes me think that she’s probably into some S & M kinky shit…good for her…it’s always the quiet ones. Ryan tells her that she looked the most beautiful in her kitchen baking cookies, which apparently sealed the deal. He gets the rose. She says she has one more surprise for him! He’s hoping that NOW they will go bungee jumping, but no. They go outside and slow dance in front of throngs of people on a teeny tiny stage serenaded by some country singer as people snap photos with them on their iPhones and Blackberrys. So romantic!
Back at the Frat House the rest of the men sit around a wee bonfire in the backyard sadly, drunk off a keg and tequila…there is little to do in the mansion when Emily is away, but drink, cry, fight amongst themselves and fantasize about what she looks like naked. The group date card is presented “Let’s Set the Stage for Love”…they all act excited, but clearly they are wasted and pissed. Who wants to go on a group date with THIRTEEN dudes? Especially one that involves them most likely making asses out of themselves…which ALWAYS happens. Group dates are always embarrassing for all parties involved and someone always ends up getting physically or emotionally hurt for life. Kalon, “Helicopter Guy” (the guy who jumped out of a helicopter the first episode) is quite pleased with this idea.
“I embrace the stage! If it’s theatre I will be in my element.”
After a few more shots of tequila the men go out and prepare for a performance of the lifetime with the MUPPETS, for the Levine Foundation-at least there’s a greater cause involved.. (Jim Henson probably just rolled over in his grave). They’re told they will be performing stand up comedy…(Dear God…thankfully the Muppets will be there to buffer this train wreck). The men do not care about the charity no matter what they say, all they care about is Emily. One of the frat boys, Charlie, starts freaking out. He fell off of a 15 foot balcony in a tragic accident the year before…it’s a miracle he survived, and it’s only natural that he’s afraid to perform onstage, God knows he doesn’t want to fall off of it. He visits Emily in her dressing room, and gives her a heads up that he is extremely nervous…but the show must go on…and he will still perform.
Thank GOD the Muppets take over most of the show…and even better, little Ricki is allowed to come onstage with her mom, and she Kermit and Miss Piggy sing Satan’s song, The Rainbow Connection, and the audience is moved to tears of joy. The frat boys come onstage, and drunkenly attempt family friendly horrific stand up comedy. Thank the Lord the Muppets are there the whole time to distract from this. Charlie manages to make it through the sad spectacle of his stab at comedy, along with the rest of the other bros. Their performance ends with them chanting Satan’s song once again, the audience bursts with happiness as Jim Henson rolls over once again in his grave.
With the Muppets out of the picture, everyone goes back to the frat house for more another kegger. The date rose lays prominently on the table. Several of the boys get over-emotional and fight for Emily’s attention…Helicopter Kalon, sits as quietly as a serial killer waiting to make his move. Complete in a white cardigan and loafers without socks, he bombards Emily and throws several Stepford Husband lines at her-a sweet guy who looks similar to Ryan Gosling interrupts them almost right away asking to have a moment alone with Emily-Helicopter Kalon gets visibly angry, he wants to kill…but he steps away allowing Emily to have a moment with Ryan Gosling. Then proceeds to throw a bitch fit in the other room while he throws back a beer, dammit! He has a helicopter and Louis Vuitton luggage! Isn’t that enough to win Emily over?
The time has come when Emily gives out the rose for the group date, the men tense up and desperately want that rose to signify that they have a bond with Emily….she awards the valued rose to the simple Jef, who made a weird impression on everyone by proposing to Miss Piggy during the sad Muppet Show.
Emily’s next date is with Joe, field energy advisor, who could very well be a busted Matthew McCoughany lookalike after one consumes a bottle of alcohol. Unlike Ryan’s sad date of baking cookies, they take a private plane to West Virginia and they go a gaudy hotel that Emily frequented as a child with her family. They both strip down to matching swimsuits and jump in a sad looking indoor pool…then she throws on a ball gown and they have dinner in a dining room that looks like Laura Ashley vomited all over, they drink, and talk…then drink some more, and write some notes and put them in something called “The Love Clock”… Joe gushes his innermost feelings for her, then she immediately sends him home afterwards because she’s just not that into him. She cries and fireworks literally boom all around her as Joe leaves defeated and brokenhearted.
Meanwhile the boys lounge by the pool shirtless and drunk, complete with a cooler of beverages and Gatorade surrounding them…single Dad, Doug, is scrutinized by evil Helicopter Kalon for leaving his son home while he’s pursuing Emily, a drunken heated discussion continues as single dad tells him to talk to Emily about parenting issues. Single Dad Doug is the only man not wasted in this scene, and the only man wearing a shirt.
The house’s general consensus on Helicopter Kalon is, and this is from one of the more forgettable contestants… “If you’re a dude and have Louis Vuitton Luggage…you’re a dick.” (or maybe secretly gay…or European….or yes…a indeed a dick…from my own personal experiences.)It’s now the cocktail party before the final rose ceremony and Emily starts making the rounds before she sends home the brokenhearted who will forever be scarred by their rejection on national television. The roseless men are freaking out because Ryan, who already has a rose, pulls out a manifesto to declare his feelings for Emily…this manifesto is SEVEN pages long, and continues well after the commercial break. Single Dad #2 Lumber Trader,Tony, stands there pleading for a moment of alone time with her, but she’s too invested in Ryan’s scrawled out notebook paged manifesto. That he signed “Love in Christ”. Tony realizes that if he utters the magic words “I have a five year old son…” he will most likely score a rose. Which is true…if you have a kid, deceased spouse or significant other, alcoholic parent, or have been in some kind of near death accident-or (fly in on a helicopter) you WILL get a rose.
There are only 14 roses to be handed out…two of the frat boys will be sent home forever damaged and scorned.
Adorable biology teacher Aaron is sent home…now he’s on the market ladies, he’s bummed but leaves with no tears. Financial advisor, Kyle, is speechless as he hugs Emily goodbye…forever crushed that he didn’t get a treasured rose. These men are casualities of “Just Add Dad”…Helicopter Kalon, both Single Dads Doug and Tony, and the guy who fell off the balcony, Charlie…are some of the most noticeables left.
Emily is die hard serious about this round of Just Add Dad! Next week she goes on a date with some lucky loser and they get serenaded by Dolly Parton…I can’t f’ing wait!