If you write it…they will come…

Thanks for visiting!  No really thank you!  As soon as I mentioned I was going on blog vacay for a bit, my stats went up…and you know what that means…gotta keep on keepin’ on…so I guess I’m not going on blog vacay after all.


There is a chair at work-in the locker room-that has been deemed the “pregnancy chair”.  I’ve been meaning to take a picture of it, but haven’t gotten around to it.  It seems that every female who has sat in the chair has gotten preggo-these ladies have been employees of the company, not independent contractors.-Everyone is avoiding the chair like the plague, I think they’re getting a new one.  Pregnancy would surely be a roadblock in an exotic dancer’s career, unless she was planning on retiring.


Since my last few posts, some interesting things have happened.  I was invited to the Hamptons for the first time in YEARS.  I do not think I will be going, although I was assured that I’d be able to sleep in a “guest house”…the topic of whether or not it would be in a bathtub or a floor was not broached.  Also…I think I’m doing a play in August!

I’m way pumped about this!  I haven’t done a play in ages.  Sure I do readings, and host karaoke and such from time to time…but an actual PLAY.  Wow!  I’m excited…and to top it off, it’s about Christopher Walken…how much cooler could that be?  I’m sad because I doubt that my friends who are “real” actors will give a flying f’ about the show…but Christopher Walken may actually come see it!  THAT’S cool.

Alrighty…more later.  Thanks for reading and follow me on twitter if you want to.


Tell Me Why Can’t it Be True…

I found this picture online, and this girl is stunning…of course it immediately reminded me of Air’s Cherry “Blossom Girl”….this video is NOT for kids…whoa.  The song is haunting and I love how most of Air’s music videos are twisted and depressing.

If this girl in the pic ever sees the Air video, I imagine she’ll feel differently wearing a pink wig afterwards.


I’m pretty sure I’ve blogged about being vain before.  Maybe I even used this same picture, I do not care.

The other night a girl told me she hated my hair color.  She just flat out offered, I didn’t ask.  I said to her, “I don’t care.  I don’t care what you think.”  She apologized.  I told her I wasn’t mad, I just really didn’t care what she thought.  I didn’t like her hair, but I didn’t feel the need to tell her.

Yeah, I’m probably a little vain and a little bitchy at times…I add “probably a little” in there because even though I’m admitting this, I think that I can say that I’m a decent person and treat others kindly and should be able to make that admission without getting judged too harshly.  I know that I’ve been a crappy daughter at times, sister, and most likely friend to some, and maybe I’ve grown more selfish over this past year, but I’m honest about that.  I think people deserve some type of kudos when they admit their flaws so blatantly.  I’m working on improving.  Really.


My latest obsession are eyelash extensions.  People ask me, “Wow…you have amazing lashes…are they real?”

“No.” I tell them.  “They are not.”  I mean, I spent the money on them to look “fake”, I’m not afraid to admit that they are.  I was using Latisse for awhile, and it worked, but you could only tell if I put on heaps of mascara.

“Why doesn’t your forehead move?” a young exotic dancer asked me one night.

“Because I pay money for it to not.”  I need some botox again soon, I think this time I’ll flip cam it and post the procedure.

Why are people afraid to admit certain things?  Like celebs getting plastic surgery?  It’s OBVIOUS that some of them have…why deny it?

Part of working in a business where things are so looks related cannot help but cause one to feel a little helpless and perhaps have bouts of anxiety which inevitabley leads to vanity.  On one hand it doesn’t make sense, considering that when I’m not working, or at an event or reading, I’m constantly without makeup and dressed as a soccer mom in sweats.

A Mid-Summer’s Eve Post…

I cannot believe it’s almost July.  Dear Lord where has the summer gone?  Where is it going?

It seems that each summer goes quickly than the last, and my summer “to-do” list never gets done.  I have two things that have been on my list FOREVER.

1.Finally go to the Hamptons-over ten years in New York City, and nope…I’ve still never gone.  At this point, I don’t even want to.

Whenever someone says, “Ooh I have a share in the Hamptons.  You should totally come!  Girls don’t have to pay!”  That means a few different things: You’ll be sleeping on the floor or in a kitchen or bathroom: I refuse to sleep in a bathtub, or with some douchewad as a flavor of the weekend.

2. Go to the beach.

I don’t take advantage of the beach that much.  In Los Angeles, it was walking distance from my apartment.  Here in New York City, it takes more of an effort.  Trains, transfers, and since I don’t like large crowds, going on the weekend is out of the question.  Perhaps I shall go to Atlantic City during the week.


One fun thing I did do was host Punk Rock Heavy Metal Karaoke last week.  I love karaoke.  A lot of people do.  Do you like karaoke?  The following are some rules to ensure that your karaoke experience is the best it can possibly be:

Don’t ask the host “When do I get to sing?” over and over and OVER again…trust me on this one.  You’ll be pushed to the end of the line.

Don’t stand by the host thinking that you will “remind” them that you’re on the list and ready to sing.  It’s annoying and you’ll get pushed to the end of the line.

Is it your birthday?  Good for you.  But guess what?  There are at least one thousand other people in the world with the same birthday as you.  No one cares, I certainly do not.  It’s not that I’m not happy you were born, it’s just not a creative enough or special enough reason to get bumped up to sing anytime sooner than anyone else.

In closing to this mid-summer’s eve blog, make sure when you’re driving to keep in mind the picture above.

Thanks for reading….

Sometimes it’s easier to play dumb…

What a week of revelations and realizations…at least I’ve thrown up a gratuitous skin shot up on here to keep those visually stimulated coming back for more.


A good friend of mine from college is visiting me this week.  She’s one of the last one’s standing from those days, in the sense that I’m under the impression some of the others don’t approve of my happenings here in the city.

The cool thing about my friend is that she’s not ashamed to be my friend.  She still likes me despite my interesting profession and writing topics.  I don’t have to censor myself around her.  I’ve sadly come to find that some of my friends treat their pasts working in the sex industry, even as strippers, as joining the witness protection program-they want nothing to do with it, or others they have encountered.  For some reason, some of them have kept me in their orbit, but at a cautious distance…I question my role in their lives at this point truly.  I’m excluded from certain gatherings, and from meeting certain acquaintances of theirs.  It’s as if they expect me to spew out topics such as garters, fishnets, lapdances, and other various happenings in my life-and they don’t trust my judgement that I can hold a conversation about “normal” things.  Seriously, I can chat about things such as the BP Oil Spill, give my opinion and debate about other various topics, if I’m given the chance…yet…that chance usually doesn’t come around.

I don’t need people like that in my life.  Which leads back to the title of this blog.  Sometimes it’s easier to play dumb.  It’s easier to go along with their game…not worth causing an argument that will fall upon deaf ears.  I’m secure with who I am, and my past.  I’m just sorry that they don’t feel the same about theirs.  Sure I have my moments with it…but I’m human.

Because the majority of the time, I know what’s happening…but I pick my battles.

Oh Wow!

Well I noticed that some people read my blog yesterday!  woo hoo!  So I thought I’d take the time to post yet another entry…I’m trying some new experimental essay-ish writing type stuff on here in the interim of the blog getting a makeover.  Rather than “shut down” the blog, my “advisors” have told me to keep it around.  The good thing about an experimental blog entry is that if you, the reader, do not like it, it will most likely be a completely different format the next time you read it.  That means the next time you log on, there will be something completely different to look at, with a fun new entry and picture!  Maybe even a picture of someone in a bikini!  So with that said, here we go…


LA: Circa 2006-7…

I’ll have these weird pangs for Los Angeles every once in awhile.  These pangs usually occur late at night after I’ve consumed entirely too much Red Bull at work, and they come with the sugar crash.  I’ve been told that the crash from Red Bull is very similar in a way to coming off of cocaine.  Contrary to belief, the only drug I’ve tried has been marijuana, and I had a VERY bad experience with a pot brownie about 5 months ago.  I’ve never had the desire to try anything other than pot and booze, and frankly those other drugs scare me for many many reasons.  My red bull crashes are so sodium laden, I wake up puffy, cranky, and depressed.  In the meantime, in my state of caffeinenation, for some reason my mind travels back to being in Los Angeles, and my debaucherous time I spent there…well it wasn’t THAT debaucherous…but it had it’s moments.

My drugs of choice in LA were the following: food-lots of it, cheapo chocolate Vodka that was always on sale at Ralph’s.  Then my favorite Sofia Mini’s in a can…packaging was everything!  Most of our nights, Jen-my roommate and I would relax in front of the television sipping some kind of exotic tequila that we had purchased the week before and hidden in a duffel bag back across the border from Tijuana.  Sure I had access to a few fancy parties here and there with celebs, movie folk, etc…but I think the moments I cherished most from LA were spending low key time with friends.  Then everyone started to grow up and get serious about whatever career they were pursuing, which of course with me was acting…yet I just couldn’t make the cut out there.  I soon began to realize that my time in Cali had pushed me into a state of Greta Garbo seclusion.  I started to hate leaving the house, other than to go to Ralph’s to get booze, and the occasional trip to my friend’s glass house in the hills of Studio City, where we’d all lounge in their hot tub, binge drink Tequila Rose (eww!) and where I’d consume TWO full boxes of Triscuts as a party trick.  Those friends eventually dissipated, one of them moving back to the midwest, tired of the “scene” in Hollywood that seemed to be uncrackable.  I made a few more feeble attempts with my acting aspirations, yet…it just didn’t seem to be working.

Actors in Los Angeles….bless their hearts, are a plenty.  You have to have that magical, undefinable, combination that makes you stand out from other faces in the crowd…and when your face stands out because it’s too puffy and round (like in my case) it works against you.  Was I to stay in LA and give up my apartment in New York?  No…I was ready to try my hand back in NYC.

My last few weeks in Los Angeles were odd.  I spent time with a friend of an ex.  We will call him J.  We played drunk scrabble, ate bad 7-11 Chili dogs at 3:00am.  He told me about his quasi-sometime-girlfriend, that had died in a car accident a few weeks before.  That she was the love of his life…but that he didn’t realize that until it was too late.  We both passed out from drinking eventually, fully dressed, in mid conversation, and I’d occasionally wake up and drink my cherry slurpee spiked with vodka, and did so for the rest of the night and following day, until I sobered up enough to drive home with one of the worst hangovers I can remember to date.

Apparantly J was embarassed about how much he had opened up to me, thanks to the alcohol.  After that night, I never heard from him again really…and regret not completely remembering what was said during that drunken conversation-on both of our parts.

Now years later I can look back on that night with a clear vivid memory of not being able to remember what was said at all.

My face is no longer the bloated puffy one in the crowd, it’s now slimmer and not so round these days…that is…unless I’m suffering from a Red Bull hangover.


This photo was taken in LA, shortly before I moved back to New York…I look possessed with annoyance and frustration.  My life is no longer filled with such angst.

I’ve been watching The Tony Awards for YEARS.  When I was growing up, next to Miss America, these two events have had me glued to the television.

It was simple…I had two things in my mind.  I wanted to be Miss America, and I wanted to be on Broadway.  The Miss America thing never happened…which was alright with me, because ultimately I was more Vanessa Williams than any Miss America ever was or would be.

So tonight I’m at home watching The Tony’s…I’ve been living in NYC for over 10 years.  The closest thing I’ve done to a Broadway show was OFF Broadway, and off-off…but they were something.  Now I’ve come to accept the closest stage I’ll ever perform on will most likely have a pole on it….but in all seriousness, I do “readings” and host events throughout the city from time to time…I don’t think starring on Broadway is in the cards for me.  That’s something I’ve come to terms with over the past decade, but I can’t help but have a little envy every year I watch the Tony’s, and see friend’s and acquaintances live out their dreams onstage…I can’t help wondering what is coming next for me.

If you’re still reading this blog, and keeping up with it…thank you for that.  I will still be updating it, although I’m not sure how frequent the updates are, stick with me as things are going through a wee bit of change…it’s all good though.

Movie Review on SATC Deux…

My bestie, M, and I were looking for something fun to do tonight.  I went on a binge shopping spree-gotta max out that West Elm credit card and get my credit rating nice so I can buy me a co-op one of these days 😉  Ate a crapload of these caramels, which have been advertised as “the best caramels in the world”…and I believe they really are.

Then we passed a movie theatre just in time for the 9:15 screening of, SATC Deux.  Should we do it?  We asked ourselves, yes…we both have the same sense of humor, so we agreed that we’d be able to sit through it and make the best out of it, regardless of whether or not we loved it or hated it.

I didn’t love it…in fact I wasn’t close to hating it, but I felt that it truly “jumped the shark”.

Things I liked about the movie…well there weren’t many of them.  I did like the dynamic of Carrie and Big’s relationship, the whole honesty aspect, and the black diamond part of it (my ring size is a 6 FYI 😉 and that they had a separate apartment for “breathing” space.  That’s a good concept.

My FAVORITE part, was Liza Minelli singing “Single Ladies”…after that…it all went downhill.

Is there going to be a Sex and The City Three?  After going to Abi Dabi…what else could they do to further jump the shark?


Oh…it’s all a bunch of bull…

Sure I get some flack for posting the most mundane things ever on my blog…but to my readers I thank you for sticking with me through the boisterous times and the bland ones.


Yes it is true.  I have fallen off of the Red Bull Wagon.  It started with one at the end of my shift the other night, a choice that I immediately regretted when I couldn’t fall asleep.  Over the past few days, I’ve been on a Sugar Free Red Bull bender.  Chugging them incessantly at work, regardless of how late it is.  It doesn’t affect me.  I have yet to have a meltdown, and I don’t forsee that happening.  After I was given permission by management to have the Red Bull that ONE night.  I thought to myself, “Surely I can keep this under control.”  Besides, it’s better than downing Black Hous or Jager…right?

I ask for Red Bull without hesitation.  The people who choose to serve me always double check with me saying, “Are you sure you want one?”  and my answer is a resounding yes.


If my dreams of becoming a Red Bull Spokesmodel never come to fruition, I’ve stumbled upon another product that’s the polar opposite of Red Bull.

Dream Water

I’ve never tried it…but maybe it could be an excellent chaser.  In fact…I could go for one right about now.


On the writing front, I received a rejection letter regarding an essay that I considered my “baby” for the past two years.  I nurtured it, developed it…yet I suppose the publication wasn’t quite ready for what it was I had to say.  Maybe in good time something will come of it.  I hope so.  It sucks to have something you’re sitting on in fear of rejection, and to finally send it out into the world for it to…well…get rejected.  Back to the drawing board…but you know what?  At least I tried 🙂

A special thank you to everyone who came out to support me and the other readers at the Sex Workers Literari.  It was wonderful meeting other people in similar occupations and hearing so many different interesting stories.

So yeah…LONG time no blog.  Lots on tech difficulties seem to be happening with all of the electronic devices in my life…but today the light at the end of the tunnel has arrived.


Busy week for me.

Some women deleted me off of Facebook after I joined this group:


I mean seriously…I’ll still talk to you if you go see “Sex and The City II”.  Can you not take a simple joke?

Also, make sure that when you buy a cell phone off the internet that it’s not stolen or hasn’t “fallen off of a truck”…I was without cellular pleasure in my life for almost a week, and I have friends who have been a bit perturbed that I didn’t get back to them…but not having a cell phone is like missing a limb and feeling out of the loop in so many ways.  I remember the days when I had not a cell phone, but a landline and a pager…ghettofabulous.


A nighttime song for your listening enjoyment…feeling a little like some house/trance this evening as I try to unwind.

This blog MAY be going on vacation in the next week or so for updates and improvements.  Keep checking back, and an announcement will be made soon on the changes to come…and some more extremely exciting news.


Ahhh…I long for a tropical vacation right now.  It would work wonders.  For now, I’m just dreaming about it.