Sex And The City TWO….

I will make fun of women who go in throngs to see this movie.

HOWEVER…I’m also looking forward to seeing this film…so I can’t be one to point fingers.


On Friday night, I was walking down the street with my bestie, Mala, and we passed a line that went halfway down the block in the East Village of women decked out from head to toe in their “New York Sex and The City” outfits: Heels, that are entirely too high and hard to walk in, dresses-that do NOT look remotely like anything SJP and the gang would wear, pearls, and the occasional pissed off looking boyfriend standing with his arms folded, looking very mad that he was forced to see the film.  The only thing missing were cosmopolitans.


I will be wearing sweats and drinking Starbucks when I see this movie.

And the Bull Rears It’s Head Once More…

Well…I fell off the Sugar Free Red Bull Wagon.

It happened tonight at work.  I’m not ashamed of this or mad.  Well…maybe I’m slightly annoyed with myself, but there are far worse things to indulge in.  Yes, yes…I know it was stupid to have a Red Bull at 4:00am.  It was sitting on a table beckoning to me, I asked a customer if I could have it, he said yes, and I asked two managers close by if it would be okay.

“We’re closing in five minutes, can I have that Red Bull?  PLEASE?  I won’t ever ask for one again.  Just this once.”

They both looked at each other.  One nodded yes, the other said.  “It starts with one.”  So I drank it.  I walked over to another manager to say hi, and he almost looked disappointed to see that I was drinking a Red Bull.  He shook his head…maybe it was me just being paranoid and temporarily high off of the mega dose of caffeine.

Now it’s 5:00am.  I’m a bit tired, but I probably won’t fall asleep anytime soon.


So in a hurry to order a new cellular phone the other day, I thought I had found a good deal on the discontinued model I currently have that has malfunctioned a year and a MONTH after the warranty expired on it..hmm….coincidence?  I think not.  So I hastily order the phone, and realize that I’ve gotten such a good deal on it because it’s PINK.  I guess they don’t make them in black anymore and that they’re getting rid of the pink ones.  I might as well slap a Hello Kitty sticker on it.  I’m really not the kind of girl who openly carries pink accessories.  When I was hungover, I once bought a pink suitcase.  It’s a high quality piece of luggage, but I don’t know what the hell I was thinking when I bought it.


Above is the flier for the reading I’m doing next week.  Email me here with any questions.

See the pic above?

Yup…I’m fried.  I just realized that it’s been about a year since I went on vacation.  Yes, I just got back from Nebraska, but that’s not really a vacation.


I’ve been pretty much without a cell phone for the past week.  As soon as I landed in Nebraska, my phone seemed to become “possessed” and I can receive text messages, but when I respond to them, all that comes out are a bunch of  “xxxxxfffffffff” ‘s.  It’s frustrating not having a phone that works, especially when I keep telling people to EMAIL me and they’re mad that I don’t text them back.  It’s sad that I’ve become so dependent on modern technology …I mean, really, who isn’t that dependent on it.


I need to go stock up on some more Ed Hardy Hand Sanitizer.  Sure, I may make fun of Ed Hardy, but you know what?  They make a DAMN good hand sanitizer.  Really.  It smells like the beach, with a touch of bad cologne in it…just a wee touch.  Some people think it smells like basil and lime.  I just think it’s simply magical.

I have a reading Thursday, June 3rd…more details to come soon.

The Formula To a Successful Trip Home to See Mom and Dad and etc…

So I just returned from visiting my family in Omaha.  The picture above was taken in the movie theatre bathroom that was in a shopping mall.  I loved this bathroom.  It looked so cool and neon.  I didn’t do anything to alter this pic…it was THAT orange.  Why?…I do not know…but I loved it.

It was overall a good trip.  I met my sister’s new baby and it’s simply adorable.  I went to several stores, such as Marshall’s, TJMaxx, and Super Target.  I ate tons.  In a matter of 4 days I managed to become a “regular” at the local Starbucks, and when I walked in today the women knew exactly what I wanted to drink, and I said, “Oh that’s awesome, but I’m leaving town again for a few months so you’ll have to relearn it when I come back.”  They even gave me a discount on my drinks!  Wow!  Sure, Starbucks is a monopoly, but some of their employees sure are nice!


I have realized that four days is the perfect amount of time to spend with family.  I’ll break it down to you like this:

DAY ONE: You arrive, your family picks you up from the airport, odds are you haven’t seen them for awhile and it’s fun, you catch up, lunch, 2 sugar cookies from one of my fave cafe’s where I see a guy I went to high school with-who’s the sous chef at the cafe, we chat briefly.

DAY TWO: Coffee, Lunch, window shopping, coffee.  Back to cafe for more cookies, see the high school guy again, I buy FOUR cookies.  Dinner, meeting the new baby, going home watching tv.

DAY THREE: Everyone sleeps in, then coffee, lunch, Costco, movie, MORE coffee.  No cookies today.  Instead I have a cinnamon roll from Costco, and my dad hides the entire tray of them that we bought because he’s afraid I’ll eat them all…and he’s right…I probably would.  Then my mom takes us to get ice cream.  We get home, watch “Drag Me to Hell”, My sister and I telling my mother that she has a Facebook addiction, along with a Farmville one.  She’s not pleased with this.  Things are getting tense.

DAY FOUR: Slept a little too late, roll out of bed…coffee-say my farewells to my new friends at Starbucks.  By day four my routine of going to Starbucks twice a day has most likely become annoying to my family…I think we’re all getting on each other’s nerves, my mom made a comment about how messy my room had gotten, and I really did feel bad, but it was time to go to the airport, even though I really wouldn’t mind just staying “one more day”.

So there you have it…the perfect formula for a not too long yet pleasing trip to see the family.  I’m sorry to the people I didn’t get to catch up with on this trip.

AN ADDITIONAL NOTE:  It’s been WONDERFUL meeting some of you readers that have come into the club to say hello.  I apologize if I’ve been too busy working to take as much time as I’ve liked to, to answer any questions that you have about my time at Morgan Stanley, what I did there, etc…feel free to contact me through this blog with your questions and I will answer them when I have the time!

My Biggest Secret Indulgence Revealed…

Since junior high school, I’ve had an obsession with phone pranking that could probably be considered somewhat unhealthy.

(no this woman in the bikini is not me…but I needed to show some skin on this blog for once…even if it’s not mine.)


My first phone pranking incident, where I realized I was possibly a “phone pranking genius” , (PPG), took place in my best friend, Andrew’s parents basement in Omaha, Nebraska.  It was before the internet was even an embryo in a computer programmer’s head, so we relied on the Yellow and White Pages.

The first pranks, started off innocently enough.  We would call businesses, one being Kentucky Fried Chicken.  If a female would answer, our question was simple…yet enough to throw someone off.

KFC-Female Employee: Hello Kentucky Fried Chicken.

ME: Yes, how big are your breasts.

KFC: Uhh…excuse me?

ME: How big are your breasts, your chicken breasts?

Usually I’d start laughing and hang up.  This was only the beginning of pranks to come.


Andrew and I would flip through the phone book after school.  We’d go for one or two things…a number listed under a family’s name as a “teenline”-which was a blatant way of saying “This line belongs to a teenager…” or “CALL ME PETIFILES!”…considering this was WAY before the invention of caller id and *69.  Our most favorite, however, was calling the parents of a fellow classmate that we didn’t like and say in a serious convincing tone that we were calling from Planned Parenthood, and that their son/daughter had been tested positive for an std.  Usually the parents would sound extremely concerned.  YES I know this was wrong…but keep in mind I was in junior high…again the phone pranks didn’t stop, but they evolved.

Caller ID was invented, then the *67 call blocking feature became “traceable” with various applications, etc…

My ultimate phone prank involved calling David Hasselhoff.  YES…THE David Hasselhoff.  I was working a temp job in Los Angeles and went through the CEO of a very big company’s Rolodex, and not only found his number, but Simon Cowell’s AND Robin Givens…so one night my mom and I called David and he was not happy to hear from us.

ME: Hey David it’s me!

THE HOFF: Who’s me? (very angry)

ME: Oh Dave…it’s me!

CLICK…end of phone call.  I really wanted to call back and say, “Sorry, I didn’t mean to hassle the Hoff…” but decided against it.

Then it all changed.  The Mother of all phone pranking devices was invented.  This device is so unbelievably amazing that I cannot do it justice by explaining it.  You just have to check it out for yourself.  Click the word below:


It’s illegal in some places and illegal to use in certain ways…so use it wisely.  No they are not paying me to advertise.  It’s just a really cool product I like.  Ahhh….the mischeif I’ve gotten myself into with this….


Yes yes yes…I am doing a reading in early June of a personal essay that your’s truly has written.  Please, if you can do so, contain your excitement…and I will post more details later.

Follow me on Twitter:

That’s all for today.

Just get me an IV…

I felt this was the perfect picture for my blog today…or in general, because I LOVE coffee.  I love caffeine…just hook me up to an IV already.

The other night at work, I did beg to have a Red Bull…did I want one?  No, but I just wanted to see if they’d say yes.  I think everytime I ask for one, further adds months, days, years to my Red Bull ban.  Yet I still am allowed cappuccino.

“Why do they let you have cappuccino and not Red Bull?” one girl asked me.

“You know, that’s a good question that I’m not going to ask them about.”

I touched a can of Red Bull, and someone glared at me.

Yes this is a boring blog entry today isn’t it.

Just a Quickie…

I’ve been shut out of wordpress for a few days…not much time to blog at the moment…however I have to reiterate that Ed Hardy Hand Sanitizer is truly one of the most amazing horrific conversation starters in the workplace, or anyplace for that matter.  Despite the fact that it slightly reeks of nights out on the Jersey Shore, it’s definitely worth $2.00 if you can find it at your local TJMaxx.


I heard that one of my exes’ gained about 80 pounds.  This made me happy.  Is this wrong?  Yes, it probably is…but he told me when we dated that I was a little chunky-I dropped some weight-now he’s the fat one.  He told me that my family wasn’t “rich enough” for him to consider dating me seriously…really?


Insomnia is really really good for ab definition.  My recent lack of sleep has really helped my physique…I’m probably also really dehydrated.


Above is a picture of another Ed Hardy product that I do not understand.  Ed Hardy Bed in a Bag.  This is one of the more “subtle” bedding sets that they have to offer.  There are more flashy prints out there…but if I HAD to sleep on Ed Hardy sheets or die, I’d probably choose the ones above.  Nothing says “Sweet Dreams” in a better way.

Ed Hardy…umm…Hand Sanitizer? REALLY?

I will preface this blog by truly apologizing to my friends who wear Ed Hardy and like it.

When I spent two years living in Los Angeles, my car battery died once and I had it towed to a place on Melrose.  While I was waiting for it to be replaced, I wandered to the nearest store…which was Ed Hardy.  Being new to Los Angeles in 2007 and wanting to fit in, attempting to keep up with the trends by reading US Weekly, I knew that I was in the right place to try and make that happen.  I looked at the display of trucker caps, t-shirts, hoodies, slutty dresses, and cringed when I saw the price tag.  A cap would cost well over $50.00…something that my part time stint as a stripper in El Segundo wouldn’t allow me to afford.  So I left the store, picked up my car, went home.  I never purchased a single Ed Hardy item.  I had issues with the pricing…the closest I ever came to it, was almost buying a “fake” Ed Hardy shirt from a flea market, but couldn’t bring myself to do so.

I pined for an Ed Hardy T-shirt…but that all changed when the dad from “Jon and Kate Plus Eight” started wearing the clothing line, as if the world was coming to an end.  The line no longer had the same coolness or sex appeal that it once had.


So I’m at TJMaxx tonight and what do I find but not only Ed Hardy wine glasses, shot glasses, candles, drinking cups, mugs, but also Ed Hardy HAND SANITIZER.  I had bought some new heels for work, and I DID need hand sanitizer.  I was originally priced at $12.99, which is pretty expensive…but I suppose that it’s not too bad considering it’s a “designer” brand, but I was in luck.  It had been marked down to TWO DOLLARS a bottle.  I bought four of them, and the cashier laughed at me.  Realistically though.  It was a lot cheaper than the same stuff from Duane Reade!

The Ed Hardy Hand Sanitizer was definitely a great conversation starter and piece amongst the clientele at Rick’s tonight.  I learned about the history of Christian Audigier, not necessarily something I cared about…but hey…you just never know when you’ll learn something new and interesting.  My co-workers found the sanitizer amusing.  “Don’t tell me that’s actually Ed Hardy Hand Sanitizer!” said one co-worker laughing, yet disturbed.  Yes it was.

I’m still trying to understand the reasoning behind Audigier’s decision to make hand sanitizer?  It obviously didn’t sell well, hence the huge markdown at TJMaxx.  Is it just me, or is that really selling out?  What’s next Ed Hardy Tampons?  Condoms?  The sky is the limit.  I’m already envisioning the packaging for the Tampons…with the skull, crossbones, some catchy slogan such as “I bleed for you!”…Ok…I’m taking this a little too far…bedtime for me.

To buy Ed Hardy Sanitizer online, go HERE.  Or really, just go to TJMaxx.

I started to really think about it…WHO IS Ed Hardy?  Well…if you care, go HERE.

Who is Christian Audigier?  Click HERE.

They even make Ed Hardy Champagne.

What a great night of learning about something…well…really interesting…but I don’t know how it can benefit me…oh well.

Deep Thoughts…

Okay okay…so I like sweets, at least I do lately.  I like sugar.  I like cupcakes.  I like Sugar Free Red Bull and Red Bull Cola.

My BIGGEST indulgences that I partake in EVERY day are espresso and sparkling water which is sodium free, I drink at least 2 gallons of it a day.  Yes…that’s a lot I know.  It’s WATER with bubbles and just as good for you.

All I’m gonna say is this…it’s better to binge on those things in moderation.  When I DO binge on them…I usually write about it.

Also…think of it this way.  Isn’t it better to binge on things such as these rather than, meth, cocaine, vodka, ALCOHOL?

I wish certain people would understand.  I don’t need to be reminded of what I’m doing wrong, can I not be given a little praise?…just a LITTLE for accomplishing something that may not seem big to some, but something that means the world to me?  Sheesh.

Sorry…this may not make sense to most of you.  I’m getting a little deep today, and high off of Billy’s Bakery Cupcakes.


Lorne Michaels…I love you.

Maybe I’m further outing myself as a dork, rather than some kind of obscure sex symbol.

My apologies, well…I KIND of apologize to Lorne Michaels for blatantly staring at you and your dinner party, as you sat looking out of the window at the Italian restaurant tonight on 50th and 9th ave. I was the woman in the black hooded sweatshirt, who did a huge double take, walked back to a trash can outside of the restaurant-threw out a smoothie-then stared at you for a second…and I really believe that you stared back at me.  I love you Lorne Michaels.  We made eye contact once before during the dress rehearsal taping of Saturday Night Live when Bill Paxton was hosting…so many, many years ago. You smiled at me, and the earth stood still…thank you for that moment Lorne.  Thank you.

I am not a psycho stalker.  I just appreciate your creativity.  I also suggest asking to not be seated close to a window, as it invites stares from obsessive hot fans such as myself.  I love you Lorne!