Howard TV Beer Pong…aka: How I spent 8 hours yesterday.

So I was informed Thursday night around 1:00am that I was going to be “competing” on Howard TV’s Strip Beer Pong Tournament.  Needless to say I wanted to celebrate.  I got drunk, then overslept for my call time-which has actually never happened to me before.  Thankfully a manager called me and politely told me I was late.  I managed to rush out and make it on time.

I don’t really have any pics from this shoot, which annoys me.  Here are a very few.  I mean a few.  But keep in mind, if you were being fed vodka and beer for8 hours, you probably wouldn’t feel like taking pics either.

This is not my ass.

This is not my ass.

 

Yeah I know.  I suck.  I really wish I would’ve taken more pics.  Ah…live and learn.  It was my first time ever playing beer pong and I actually managed to make it to the final four, but ended up losing my top in the very end.  The shoot was a lot of fun, but I was extremely tired and tipsy throughout.  Here is a photo of me after.

EXHAUSTED!

EXHAUSTED!

I think I’m even getting an imdb credit for this!  Awesome!  It’ll read “The Sopranos”, “Mona Lisa Smile”, “What We Do Is Secret”, and “Strip Beer Pong”.  WOW.  A girl was quite apologetic to me when I lost saying, “You were a good sport…” and I was like, “Uh…it’s beer pong, not the US Open.”  She seemed to take offense that I was so non-chalaunt about the whole thing.  I was just there to have fun.

Don’t forget “Stripped Stories” UCB March 5th.  Get your tickets in advance!

Stripped Stories at UCB March 5th…

I’m very excited that Giulia Rozzi and Margot Leitman think I’m interesting enough to perform next Thursday at www.ucbtheatre.com for their series www.strippedstories.com.  I will be talking about my appearance on The Ricki Lake Show years ago that almost spurned a lawsuit.  That is all I can say about it.  If you want to know the whole story you must come listen to it.  Get your tickets NOW because the show sells out.  Tell your friends, have them tell their friends, etc…

I’m kind of nervous about the whole thing.  Maybe if I take off my top during the show I’ll feel more comfortable.

When I lived in Los Angeles, I studied improv at the famed “Groundlings”.  There was another stripper in the class.  I was “in the closet” at the time and I remember when she told some girls in the class that she stripped everyone was extremely supportive.

“Oh that’s so empowering….I have a lot of respect for what you do.”

“Wow that’s awesome!  Can you do pole tricks?”

I felt like a dumbass and didn’t want to be like, “Hey!  I’m a stripper too!” But after the class I told her that I was and she was totally cool about it.   Anyways…the point of this story was that we both agreed that we were more comfortable topless onstage dancing, than performing improv fully dressed.

In order to pass the class (which I did not) This girl and I agreed that if we had to, we’d make out during a scene if the opportunity presented itself in order to win over the male teaching the class.  Needless to say, we chickened out and never went through with it.  We both failed the class.

The demise of a friendship…

I think I “broke up” with a friend today.

It’s hard being friends with someone you used to date.  Especially when they tend to make the situation more complicated than it should be.   It really sucks when you are the one making all of the effort in maintaining the relationship.  I think I started realizing that the friendship was on the demise when I went to go see this person perform on a cold blustery night in December.  I went to Brooklyn despite extremely crappy weather because that’s what friends do for each other.  Right?

“Oh!  I didn’t know you were coming!” he said despite the two text messages I had sent him.  I was really disappointed with his reaction and actually almost left.   He knew I was coming but didn’t seem to really care or make an effort to remember.

I sat at the bar drinking vodka/soda with my friend Mala and she could tell I was upset.  We stayed and watched the show and I felt lousy.  Did it really matter in the grand scheme of things that I bothered to come to the show at all.   Did he care?  It didn’t seem like it.  After that night I started looking at things differently.  He refused to come see me perform stand-up simply because he was “lazy”.  He didn’t forget my birthday but he ignored it until I said something about it.  Why?  Why must you act like this?

I’ve been trying so hard to maintain a friendship with leaps and bounds, presents, dinners, etc.  When it comes down to it, it simply shouldn’t be this difficult.  I almost feel like I’m in grade school jumping up and down waving my arms in the air saying “Like me!  Like me!  All I want is to be your friend.” 

Today I sent some angry text messages to this person and he accused me of being passive aggressive and I admitted to it.

“You never text me anymore.”  I said via aim.

“I know.” wow…well thanks for fessing up.  “I don’t know why I act this way with you and not my other friends.  I don’t know why.”  Shortly thereafter the conversation ended abruptly and I don’t have the time or energy to revisit it.  I thought this person was a good friend now, I’m just confused.  We had been through a lot in our friendship and now he’s letting things fall by the wayside.  This person doesn’t seem to care at all.  This person also probably has never read my blog now that I think about it.  If you can’t make an effort to be my friend, you probably won’t make one to read about how much you’re pissing me off.

Always a Bridesmaid…Never a Bride….

Well it happened once again.  I was under the impression my role of a stripper was going to be bigger than it ended up being.  Ah…such is the disappointment that happens when being an actor.  That’s one reason I gave it up, but I’ll never say no to SAG paying jobs.

I show up to set.  The first red flag was when one PA says, “Sit over there and we’ll go through your wardrobe later.”  Meanwhile I see the other “strippers” going through their clothes, so  I pipe up:

“Umm…does my wardrobe need to be approved?  I’m playing a stripper.”

“You are?” said the PA looking surprised.  Not good.

“Yes.”

“Are you sure?”

“Uh, yeah, 100% sure.”  Hmm…I’m not your stereotypical looking stripper, but his shock certainly made me feel old, fat, un-sexy.

So wardrobe starts looking through my stuff, and I wear the shortest, sluttiest green leopard print slip.  The woman helping me tells me that she’s worked with me before on “New Amsterdam”, I go along with her and nod, even though I’ve never worked on that show or have seen it in my entire life. 

We go to holding, which is in a church ironically, and are given bathrobes to cover ourselves up with.  After about 30 minutes we go to hair and makeup.  Then to set.  The PA who questioned my status as a stripper comes up to me.

“Are you the main stripper?” he asks.  I’m suddenly flattered that he thinks I’m now hot enough to be the “main” stripper.

“Would I know if I was?” I ask, hoping that I was indeed the main one.

“Uh…yeah…I think you would.”

No I was not the main stripper.  The main stripper was wearing a bikini and was really hot.  She had to make out with a girl on camera.  I’m not exactly sure what happens after that, but I heard a rumor that she also gets killed.  

Always a bridesmaid, never a bride.

I auditioned once to be a principal in a SAG national commercial.  I didn’t get it, but was asked to work background.  I did, and practically cried watching a friend of mine on camera reciting the lines that I had auditioned with.  I was happy for her, but hard on myself that I came close but didn’t measure up enough to book the job.

Same when I booked a role on “The Sopranos”, all you could see was the back of my head.  My scene was cut.  So close, but so far away.

I had a friend, who always gets the understudy roles on Broadway.  He doesn’t know it, but people say the same thing about him, “Ah…always a bridesmaid..”  He’s an asshole though, so I don’t feel bad for him.

Do I miss acting?  I don’t really know if I do.  I remember thinking that I’d just DIE of embarrassment if I didn’t succeed as an actor.  When I made the decision to not really pursue it anymore, I surprised myself.  I’m not embarrassed or ashamed.  It just obviously wasn’t meant for me.  Of course I will never turn down an audition or job, but I guess I’m just over the whole, “I’m an actor!” thing.  With writing, I can be the bride.

On a side note,there are two girls that I work with that I’d bet money on that have slept with Bret Michaels.

I’m playing a stripper on television!

For the first time I will be portraying a stripper on the television show “Fringe”.  It shoots tomorrow and I’m very excited.  I am going to be dancing “scantily clad” on a stage wearing a slip!

I’ve had several opportunities to audition for stripper roles before.  Most of these auditions were for “The Sopranos”  I never was cast as a stripper, but certainly came close (I eventually played a bartender at a strip club but my part ended up on the cutting room floor).  The call backs were always in front of a table full of producers, directors, etc.  Usually they would be eating and they’d bring in groups of three at a time.  We were told to take off our shirts and do our scene.  The scenes were always very similar.

“Where’s Tina today?”

“I don’t know.”(my line)

“I heard she was sleeping with (insert name)”.

I suppose my favorite line I had to scream at a Sopranos audition was:

“He’s got a gun…he’s got a gun!”

I didn’t get that role, instead they ended up looping the line in the episode.

When I was in LA I auditioned for a horror movie that had Cheech from Cheech and Chong in it.  I have blocked the details out of my mind because I was mad that didn’t want to see my boobs after my reading.  I heard the other girl audition and she wasn’t the best actress, but had implants.  They asked to see hers.   I think she got the part.  I remember being really annoyed and walking back to my car which I parked miles away.  I was wearing a t-shirt over a slutty top with jeans and people kept staring at me.  That’s why I hated Los Angeles at times.  I hated parking, and I hated walking around and having cars honk at me.

I’m excited that I get to play a stripper on Fringe!  Yay!

Hey!

Just a quick note to thank all of you new readers.   Tell your friends to read my blog too.  Yay!

In the next 48 hours I will be posting some truly magical photos of the Exotic Dancer Rock and Roll Awards Show.  I know how excited you all are, but please just try to hold on for the next 48 hours (maybe sooner).

Other than that, the only news I have to report is that I’ve had about 4 shots of Patron and I’m going to bed very soon.  It is 3:26am in New York City.

Valentines Day…

 

Valentines Day is a day that I’ll probably never forget.  It’s the anniversary of the day when I started stripping.
 
I can’t believe that was SIX years ago.  Wow.
 
As many of you know, I no longer strip.  I “retired” about a year ago for various reasons.  As strange as this sounds, choosing to strip was the best decision I ever made.  I learned a lot about myself, and hopefully I’ve broken stereotypes for the “haters” out there.  Most importantly, my odd part time job helped launch a writing career.
 
That Valentines Day 6 years ago was both depressing (since I was going through a breakup) and profitable.
 
I fast forward to this year and it was entirely different story…I was a guest on XM’s Opie and Anthony Channel’s Bob and Russ Show plugging Rick’s Cabaret and this very blog (and my book coming out in December 09!) 
 
I remember feeling pretty lousy six years ago…but I can honestly say I feel great about where I am right now.  For the first time ever, a friend of mine said to me last night, “Happy Anniversary!”…and I was like, “Huh?” and he said, “Well your life changed pretty dramatically six years ago on Valentines Day…that’s a big deal.”
So yeah…this was the best Valentines Day ever.
Oh…except for one thing…It turned out that Mystery was not a live guest on the show,  he called in from Los Angeles.  So it wasn’t THAT perfect of a day…but pretty close to it.

I’m learning that “The Real World” is boring to blog about.

All I have to say about this week’s episode is this.  Katelynn, please put some pants on.  I understand that you are really happy about your post-op body, but your obsession with hot pants and the recent installation of the stripper pole in the home gym is driving everyone crazy.  Chet, a hat or t-shirt or anything with your name embroidered on it is so grade school.

Okay.  I’m done blogging about The Real World.  Unless anyone gets knocked up, or if Chet finally loses his virginity, I’ve said enough about it. 

I’ve been told that Mystery from “The Pick-Up Artist” is supposed to be a guest along with me on the XM show I’m doing tomorrow.

http://www.vh1.com/shows/dyn/the_pick_up_artist/series.jhtml

I am unbeliveably and oddly so excited about this!  It’s a Valentines Day dream come true!  That’s when you know you’re really going places kids.  When you get to appear alongside a professional pick-up artist.  I wonder if he’ll try any of his moves on me.

Decisions decisions…

I had two entertainment events to choose from to attend this evening.

A. “Friday The 13th” remake- press screening.

B. Jersey Boys on Broadway.

The choice was easy!  I went to see “Friday the 13th”.  (spolier alert)

I’m thankful to my date for the invitation, however I’m probably not getting much sleep tonight.  It’s my own fault, I knew what I was getting into. 

We entered the crowded theatre filled with polite, nice, quiet press peeps.  There were two people that I recognized.

Dee Snider of Twisted Sister.

and Jeff Beacher www.beachersmadhouse.com

Huh?  I guess everyone loves scary movies.

I knew I was scared when I practically jumped out of my seat during the opening credits.  I’ve never seen the original “Friday the 13th” but my friend told me it was different and not as scary.

I’d love to be in a horror movie.  It looks like a pretty sweet acting gig.  For the most part, the hot young tweenish actors did nothing but drink, smoke pot, get high, and have sex…oh..and yeah…get killed by Jason during this film.  My favorite part was when the adorable black guy in the film decided to masturbate to what appeared to be an LL Bean Cataloge, because there was nothing else around to look at.  Another fun part was when someone broke a chair and they were told, “Go to the tool shed and get some tools, it’s at the end of that long path down the hill.”  The audience laughed at that  because it was so super cliche.

I was so stressed out after this movie that I needed to have a few drinks afterwards.  But you’re talking to someone who grew up in Middle America afraid of trailer parks and un-marked vans. 

I learned some valuable lessons from this film.

1. Don’t go camping unless you can get a signal on your cell phone.

2. If you see someone carrying around a dead body, do not follow them to see where they’re going.  Run away people, he may kill you next!

(Don’t judge for me not picking Jersey Boys. I saw it two weeks ago.  It was amazing…and I’ll see it again.)

Upcoming Events…etc…Appearances…

Hello All!

Make sure you listen to me promote Rick’s Cabaret this Saturday February 14th from 9-12 on XM’s Opie and Anthony Channel.

I’m also really excited because it looks like  I’m going to be performing at The Upright Citizens Brigade’s “Stripped Stories”.  No, it’s actually not about strippers, but about crazy dating stories that people have.  I think I’m their first ex-stripper though.  I’m pretty excited about it!

www.strippedstories.com

March 5th, 9:30pm.

The last few shows have been sold out!  So buy your tickets NOW from the site below!

www.ucbtheatre.com

Who would’ve thought a part time stint as a “dancer” ended up being  such a great idea!  Yay!